How the hell do I know? He’s just not ready yet.
If ever there was a lesson in patience, it is now. The need to trust that my body will do what it’s meant to do is a hard thought to hold onto, but I am trying to do so. The difficult part is that the birth center only gives you a limited time frame to birth at their facility, after you pass it you are guided to the hospital- granted they do not abandon you, but the thought of being at the hospital brings my hopes and expectations down. I know, I know, I need to set those expectations aside- I guess I’m just a little afraid of things happening beyond my control at the hospital. Hospitals can be bullies and not knowing what my mind frame will be at the appointed time I can only hope that it all goes well and trust in my loyal and loving advocate, Andy.
I am comforted by one recurring thought that a midwife said to me. In the course of discussing what will happen if I do “risk out” of the birth center, she reassured me that I will still have a beautiful birth. A beautiful birth- that sounds, well beautiful. I may not be able to control where and when I have this child, but I can control my attitude about having the child. No matter what road I take to get there, the end result will be the same; my son in my arms.
Right now I’m more focused on the process of having a child. I have exhausted imagining what it’s going to be like to have a kid, so my focus is on the act of having a kid, birth- that seems relatively within my control…maybe not where I have the baby, but how I have the baby. It’s like looking at an obstacle course wondering if my body is capable of finishing it, and wondering how well I will perform through it.
But at this moment it seems as though this will never happen and I will stay in this state of heaviness and roundness forever. Really, my body has stretched itself to its maximum capacity and I long for the release of this extra weight. My curiosity of what this baby will look like and be like is at its breaking point. The wonder if I can do this, be a parent, take care of a baby is driving me stir crazy. The lack of mobility, the unease of starting a new project because of ‘what if’- the tension of trying to keep everything clean and ready, well I’m at the end and yet still have to wait. If ever there was a lesson in patience, it is now.