April 6, 2013
Like a storm coming in at a distance I felt uneasy about a situation I was involved in, and like a thunderbolt it came to me. I don’t want to do this. I guess the nice thing about turning 35 and having a baby is that I really do feel like an adult and as an adult it’s my prerogative to make my own decisions. As I came to this realization I got nervous, like I was caught cheating on a test or something. The kind of nervousness where my voice starts to quiver and I start talking fast, and in my minds eye the upcoming confrontation ends in a fight. I knew I had to deal with it. The longer I sat on it the longer it was going to eat away at me.
So I called the person to tell her I could no longer work with her. I wish I had the guts to have mentioned something earlier and leave my son as an excuse out of it. But I hadn’t. And to be fair, I just came to this absolute conclusion. Sometimes it’s hard to say no to something that in all actuality seems O.K. But I knew. Deep down I dreaded it when she called, I pretended to enjoy the projects that I worked on but in all honesty they just made me stressed out. I felt like a phony in her realm even though we are both artists I somehow always felt that my aesthetic was inferior to hers. My feelings on this subject are a complicated web- sometimes resentful of being used by her and sometimes thankful for how insightful she can be. She could be so giving and yet so demanding in the same sentence. I felt that I was boxed in from the beginning, and I hate that feeling, something similar to being on a pedestal. Not much room for personal movement of freedom.
So it’s done. Ripped it off like a band aide- and it feels good. Even though I kind of feel like I should have handled this situation earlier, or at least have been more honest with how I felt- I’m glad that I’ve reached the end of the road with her. At least for now, I never know if the partnership will branch off in the future. And let me be clear, it’s not the ending of the friendship- at least I think not even though I do believe that the main reason she came to me was a means to her end- that or cheap labor. See, complicated feelings.
I don’t ever want to feel like I’m not as good as an artist as someone else, or that my opinion doesn’t matter because of my lack of degree, money, experience, or what not. And if that means avoiding people who make me feel that way, then that’s what I must do. Gosh dangit! I’m an adult…right? I wish I had done this with my last job. Recognizing when it was time to leave for the sake of my own happiness and my own personal growth. Instead I stayed there and molded on the counter like rotten fruit. A little dramatic, I know, but it’s the truth.
Like a storm coming in at a distance I felt uneasy about a situation I was involved in, and like a thunderbolt it came to me. I don’t want to do this. I guess the nice thing about turning 35 and having a baby is that I really do feel like an adult and as an adult it’s my prerogative to make my own decisions. As I came to this realization I got nervous, like I was caught cheating on a test or something. The kind of nervousness where my voice starts to quiver and I start talking fast, and in my minds eye the upcoming confrontation ends in a fight. I knew I had to deal with it. The longer I sat on it the longer it was going to eat away at me.
So I called the person to tell her I could no longer work with her. I wish I had the guts to have mentioned something earlier and leave my son as an excuse out of it. But I hadn’t. And to be fair, I just came to this absolute conclusion. Sometimes it’s hard to say no to something that in all actuality seems O.K. But I knew. Deep down I dreaded it when she called, I pretended to enjoy the projects that I worked on but in all honesty they just made me stressed out. I felt like a phony in her realm even though we are both artists I somehow always felt that my aesthetic was inferior to hers. My feelings on this subject are a complicated web- sometimes resentful of being used by her and sometimes thankful for how insightful she can be. She could be so giving and yet so demanding in the same sentence. I felt that I was boxed in from the beginning, and I hate that feeling, something similar to being on a pedestal. Not much room for personal movement of freedom.
So it’s done. Ripped it off like a band aide- and it feels good. Even though I kind of feel like I should have handled this situation earlier, or at least have been more honest with how I felt- I’m glad that I’ve reached the end of the road with her. At least for now, I never know if the partnership will branch off in the future. And let me be clear, it’s not the ending of the friendship- at least I think not even though I do believe that the main reason she came to me was a means to her end- that or cheap labor. See, complicated feelings.
I don’t ever want to feel like I’m not as good as an artist as someone else, or that my opinion doesn’t matter because of my lack of degree, money, experience, or what not. And if that means avoiding people who make me feel that way, then that’s what I must do. Gosh dangit! I’m an adult…right? I wish I had done this with my last job. Recognizing when it was time to leave for the sake of my own happiness and my own personal growth. Instead I stayed there and molded on the counter like rotten fruit. A little dramatic, I know, but it’s the truth.
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