If I thought that the first and second trimester was long, I was mistaken because these last days have felt like the longest days ever in my pregnancy- not to mention the heaviest. I can’t believe that I have made it this far and that I am at the end of the line- only the train hasn’t stopped yet. It has slowed down to a snails pace, but it hasn’t stopped. It wouldn’t be so bad, but the docs give you a due date, and once you have passed it the clock seems to tick louder and the pressure to perform is stronger. Calls come it asking ‘why haven’t you had your baby yet?’

How the hell do I know? He’s just not ready yet.

If ever there was a lesson in patience, it is now. The need to trust that my body will do what it’s meant to do is a hard thought to hold onto, but I am trying to do so. The difficult part is that the birth center only gives you a limited time frame to birth at their facility, after you pass it you are guided to the hospital- granted they do not abandon you, but the thought of being at the hospital brings my hopes and expectations down. I know, I know, I need to set those expectations aside- I guess I’m just a little afraid of things happening beyond my control at the hospital. Hospitals can be bullies and not knowing what my mind frame will be at the appointed time I can only hope that it all goes well and trust in my loyal and loving advocate, Andy.

I am comforted by one recurring thought that a midwife said to me. In the course of discussing what will happen if I do “risk out” of the birth center, she reassured me that I will still have a beautiful birth. A beautiful birth- that sounds, well beautiful. I may not be able to control where and when I have this child, but I can control my attitude about having the child. No matter what road I take to get there, the end result will be the same; my son in my arms.

Right now I’m more focused on the process of having a child. I have exhausted imagining what it’s going to be like to have a kid, so my focus is on the act of having a kid, birth- that seems relatively within my control…maybe not where I have the baby, but how I have the baby.  It’s like looking at an obstacle course wondering if my body is capable of finishing it, and wondering how well I will perform through it. 

But at this moment it seems as though this will never happen and I will stay in this state of heaviness and roundness forever. Really, my body has stretched itself to its maximum capacity and I long for the release of this extra weight. My curiosity of what this baby will look like and be like is at its breaking point. The wonder if I can do this, be a parent, take care of a baby is driving me stir crazy. The lack of mobility, the unease of starting a new project because of ‘what if’- the tension of trying to keep everything clean and ready, well I’m at the end and yet still have to wait. If ever there was a lesson in patience, it is now.