Rain

9/27/2011

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The summer ended with a torrent of storms. It was as though even the desert was sick and tired of the heat- it chased summer out with hard rain even the thirsty ground couldn’t keep up with the pounding water- we were all drowning in a glory of water. It took 4 days of rain to kick summer out of the season.

Inside my little house, my little life, the rain drummed on my little rooftop- clickity clak, clickity clak, clickity clak.

Where do the bee’s go when it rains? The hummingbirds’ glory in its aftermath, the birds shake off the rain and reappear, and if their beaks could smile they would. The cacti swell in pride the rain keeps them satisfied till spring. If I could only capture all this water efficiently like the cactus, to be able to store it and use all of it- this gold of the desert.

 
The one good thing about trying something new is learning something new, especially if you fail the first time. In hindsight, it’s not so bad failing when you discover something important. The first month when we gave it a try we went sober after the deed. (And by the way, I don’t think there is a good way to say “trying to have a baby”, I always thought it just meant having unprotected sex- but now I know what it means to “try”- it really means to calculate- to know thyself well.)

All I could think about was having a drink. Watching a TV series when they poured themselves a small glass of whiskey, I was licking my lips in envy. So when my period came, I was like awesome, now I can drink. And besides that, boy did I need one- the stress that we put ourselves through that month was overwhelming. So I drank, and came across a couple of new discoveries about myself.

I went a whole 2 weeks or so without a drink, and I still woke up feeling shitty. I stopped having constant symptoms of IBS. (Refreshing if you ask me.) Yet time slowed down, now I had to fill in time or sleep it away, and I realized that booze was a good quickener of Time.

I like to drink- but I don’t like the habit of what surrounds the drink in recent times. I have realized that the memory of drink is much better then the actual reality of drink. So going forward on a round 2 of our trying, I realized that I don’t need to crave the alcohol, that I can satisfy it with other things. It’s time to try something new, my friends and I’m lucky that I have a strong enough reason to change my habits.

So on this round I’ve been experimenting with faux-drinks to satiate my cravings, and they work just fine. The worst part has been dealing with time. There are a couple of factors that are against me.

One, being unemployed; Two, the endless summer that is called August (and unfortunately it has spilled itself into September). My time outside is allotted to the early morning before it gets too hot outside. I still haven’t picked up a paintbrush in a long while, and I’ve run out of creative projects to do (another rant for another time). The most I’ve been doing these days is a little canning here and there, but that’s not near enough to fill my creative quota. August is a mean devil here in Tucson, and I still haven’t figured away to make it out on top.

So it seems I’m yet again at a strange bridge in my life. Something’s gotta change or this dam of life is going to break. There is not just a fork in the road, but a whole pile of them all shinny and reflective in the sun, and here I stand in the kitchen, looking in the drawer wondering where all my forks went.